Carla's Heart
OCCASIONAL THOUGHTS AND EXPRESSIONS FROM MY HEART

Is it possible to die from a broken heart? I know a boy, who is so lost it breaks my heart. I also know that God doesn't break His promises and so I am standing on them...a little wobbly but standing on His promises none the less!

Proverbs 22:6 says: "Point your kids in the right direction — when they're old they won't be lost. "

I am clinging to that for my boy...he was created to do great things and though the roaring lion seeks to devour him, but Jesus is the Victor and HE will be glorified.


I am clinging to the promises - my grip is weaker at times - but HIS is stronger than anything that seeks to tear us apart.


Proverbs 3 encourages me:

"Good friend, don't forget all I've taught you; take to heart my commands. They'll help you live a long, long time, a long life lived full and well. Don't lose your grip on Love and Loyalty. Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart. Earn a reputation for living well in God's eyes and the eyes of the people. Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this. 

I want to do this well...I want my struggles and my triumphs to glorify God - but then I guess they aren't my own - they are His - - - and so is my boy. Carry him to safety Father.

~cb

Today I celebrate nine years of marriage to the man of my dreams. I am fully aware of how blessed I am and that there are only a handful of people like me. How many out there can honestly say that they married the man they dreamed of as a little girl…literally? I don’t ever want to take for granted the amazing gift from God that is my husband. I never feel quite worthy enough to be his wife, but I am thankful everyday for him.
On our wedding day I told him in my vows that I knew he was God’s proof of His Graciousness to me. He was the balm on my dry parched soul after the dessert and the sunlight of my life after years of rain and storms. These words continue to be true.
I am a blessed woman and a grateful one too. I have a husband who is faithful to only me. He loves the Lord and loves me with the love of the Lord. He is good, kind, noble, trustworthy, tender, loving, full of integrity, and sexy to boot!
What is sad is that it shouldn’t be so rare for a woman to be able to use such words to describe her husband, and yet I know of several women who don’t have that feeling of awe that I have when he comes through the door at the end of the day, or the butterflies I get in my stomach when he is home early and I didn’t expect him. The thrill I get when he puts his arm around me in Church and runs his thumb along my neck. The warmth he can transmit through his eyes, and although he may not say it all…I know it’s there, waiting for me…right behind his eyes and deep in his heart. 

My Groom is my gift from God, and my love for my Groom is new every morning and deeper with each moment. I waited a lifetime for him and almost gave up hope…but he came to me just in the nick of time

Happy Anniversary Babe! I love you more each day!

~cb

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom can be no variation, neither shadow that is cast by turning.” James 1:17


“Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.” Philippians 4:8

I’m sick…really sick. I’ve never been this sick in my entire life…except for the scarlet fever I had when I was 13, but I don’t remember those 2 weeks of my life. I won’t bore you with the gory details…well…maybe I will. Did you know that Strep throat can travel to your other organs? Except by the time it gets to your kidneys, it’s no longer strep “throat”. I wonder if they call it strep kidneys…hmmm. I think maybe not…Anyway, talk about painful. In addition to this, my littlest one has had impetigo which is also caused by the streptococcus bacteria. This can actually lead to flesh eating disease, so we have had to wash his face, hands and arms with a prescription cleanser and apply antibiotic ointment. He is looking much better, but not entirely cleared up and this morning he started coughing (which I started 2 days ago) now I am wondering if I am developing pneumonia´üî.
Throughout this time I have been having excruciating headaches and dizziness and that has prompted me to think about the many dear souls who are chronically ill or even terminally ill. They are in constant pain, with the knowledge that there is no light at the end of their tunnel…at least not on this earth. I have wondered how I would function if I were terminally ill and in pain 24/7.
All that thinking about being terminally ill, lead to thinking about my family and how they would handle me dieing but more importantly, if I did die…what would I leave behind? And by that I don’t mean who I would leave behind. I already know that, my beautiful man, our 6 kids and one grand-baby. What I meant by “what would I leave behind” is what would I be leaving them? What will my legacy be? What will there inheritance be? How will they remember me?
I know that some might think these are morbid thoughts, but for those of us who live with an eternal perspective, I believe this is a must. We must question our actions, our motives, and our impact on others. In my journal I wondered the same things I have been wondering of late.November 2, 2005: “I often wonder how I will be remembered by my Husband & children. What will they say about me when I am gone? Will a sweet smile come to their faces when they think of me? Will they carry on the traditions I started? Will they speak well of me to their own children? I have stumbled and fumbled through these years … 22 years of parenting. Will they resent me for this?”
I’m pretty sure I’m not going to die from this strep thing, but I think it is healthy to hold ourselves accountable for the impact and impressions we will leave on others, especially the ones that God has entrusted us with. He gave me a beautiful man to love and honour. Am I doing that? I hope so…I know I need him more than oxygen. How to get him to need me that same way remains the elusive dream. But I will honour and love and cherish him till the day I die. 
And hopefully my daughters will find men just like him and will know from my model how God wants them to treat their husbands. God also gave us 6 amazing children. How I have done with them still remains to be seen. If I could measure my success as a parent by the amount of love I have in my heart for each of them, then I would be the best parent on the planet! But unfortunately there is so much more to it and God doesn’t send them with a manuel…well He does, but we actually have to read the Bible and spend time with Him to hear Him. 
I have, at times failed my children, just by not spending time with Him. Then there are the things we cannot protect them from. Like people who also have an obligation to them, but treat them as pawns and use them to either make them look good or to use against those of us who truly love them. God help the man who has messed with my children…he will answer one day.
Beyond that, what will they say? In that same journal entry I wrote: “I am in a season where more than half of my children either think I’m stupid or they hate me for even being involved in their lives. It’s kind of lonely. But I believe they are worth it. How your heart must break LORD when we turn our backs on you or don’t allow you to help us. Forgive me Father.”
I guess in the end we wont be able to control others’ perceptions of us, but will matter is what He says when we stand before Him. Will He say, “Well done my good and faithful servant”? Let it be so dear God! In the mean time, I will try to keep the thoughts in the front of my mind that every little thing we do here, in this little blip of time on the huge time line of eternity is counting for eternity. 
I will remember that I want my kids to say to their kids, “my mom was the sweetest lady, and I always knew she loved me, and I always knew I had a soft place to fall with her”. I want them smile sweetly when they hear a song I used to sing and hear my voice whispering, “I love you - - - don’t forget”. I want them to treasure every memory they have of me. I want their heritage to be rich and full of love, so that they in turn will love the spouse and children God gives them well.
And that is why, I press on.

“I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running and I'm not turning back.” ~Philippians 3:12-14

”I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” ~Philippians 4:11-13

~cb

What I really need is a personal assistant...one with great writing skills...that way I would really post a "daily blog".
Such a person would need to have first hand knowledge of the inner workings of my complicated life and a clear understanding of how this affects me. Said person would need to be able to document my bizarre life, without making me sound completely crazy or totally pathetic. Also, if such a person existed…said person would need to completely love me and my family in order to colour the blogs with just the right tint of emotion and vulnerability.

Please apply in the comments section….thank you so much,
The entirely too busy and completely insane author of this blog site!!!

But seriously…I think God gave me a spanking today…once again I was getting wrapped up in my worries and struggles. Albeit legitimate problems…they are nothing for my sovereign LORD.

Here’s what God gave me today:

Isaiah 40:21-25
21[You worshipers of idols, you are without excuse.] Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? [These things ought to convince you of God's omnipotence and of the folly of bowing to idols.] Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?(A) 
22It is God Who sits above the circle (the horizon) of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; it is He Who stretches out the heavens like [gauze] curtains and spreads them out like a tent to dwell in, 
23Who brings dignitaries to nothing, Who makes the judges and rulers of the earth as chaos (emptiness, falsity, and futility). 
24Yes, these men are scarcely planted, scarcely are they sown, scarcely does their stock take root in the earth, when [the Lord] blows upon them and they wither, and the whirlwind or tempest takes them away like stubble. 
25To whom then will you liken Me, that I should be equal to him? says the Holy One.

Who am I that you would even consider me worth saving from an eternity in hell?
1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am 
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God’s word is alive and active in me

I’M BELIEVING GOD!!

You with me Sista?

~cb

I love my husband so much. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by how much God has blessed me by giving me this incredible man. Tonight I found myself staring at him as we drove home, just trying to memorize every detail of his face and the look in his eye when he realizes he's being watched and how his smile spreads across his face, so sexy!
I have this fear that I wont get to keep him for as long as I would like...I think it's because I still can't believe he's mine or that he chose me! And because of this fear I find I do the memorizing thing a lot. I want to remember always, how it feels when he holds my hand completely in his, the smell of his neck, the warmth and security of his embrace, the many things he can tell me, just with his eyes, the incredible things just one of his kisses can do to me, his tenderness and his hungry love...
I want to remember his deep yet soft voice, as he leads me in prayer everynight before we sleep, his incredible capacity for faith, the real kind...the kind the BELIEVES GOD, not just in God, his big hopes and dreams for us and his enjoyment of our lives even with our limitations. I love how he enjoys just watching our wee ones and how he hasn't forgotten what it was like to be 14 & 17 just like our boys. I love his tenderness when he deals with our daughters and his frank honesty and openness with the boys.
I love my husband. He is my living proof that God is Gracious, he is the balm to my wounded spirit and my joy and laughter after the storms and tears. He is my best friend, lover, companion and soul mate. He is a gift right from my Heavenly Father's hand and I want to remember to treasure him as such.
I want to keep him...I love him with all of me.
"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow." ~James 1:17~
~cb

How do we know when we are getting old? Is it just so gradual that one day we wake up and realize we are old? Or, is it an annoying painful process that leads to cenility? Or do we know we are old when our friends...who are younger than us...start peeing on their sweaters? Who knows?...Who knew?


-cb

I am convinced that NOTHING can separate me from the love of GOD! It has been a rough few days and although I fully expect the next few to be equally as rough I am finding comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone in my anxiety. I have a sweet friend who knows just when to show up or call. I have a husband who loves me no matter what I look like (poor guy) and I have a Saviour who knew that I would go through this very struggle. A gift was dropped in our mail box today, not something that could solve all our problems, but something to remind us that HE is in control and HE will provide for us, in many ways. He still does miracles! I am so grateful for this gift and the anonymous giver...I don't think they know how they did more than give a gift, but reminded me of how many times God has provided our needs and always does. In our own strength we can do nothing. I don't even want to try.
Right now I am praying that I can get my family through the holidays without feeling like they have been robbed of their traditions. But more importantly, we are praying for a miracle. My husband and I and a dear friend have agreed to pray for this and pray believing God for it in advance. It's so big; we are realizing how small our faith is. And He is stretching us...we know nothing is too hard for him...the question we have is "is it ok to ask for something big?" I think He is enjoying our attempts at this and the lessons we are learning in the process. Isn't this the whole reason for this season? Didn't He come to earth dressed like us so that we could have HOPE? Here is the thing about hope...Hope isn't what we would expect: it's not so much that God doesn't give us what we hope for as it is that we don't know the right thing for which to hope. Are we hoping for the wrong thing or is there more the thing we are hoping for than we know? Whatever it is...my decision is made. 
I'm Believing God!

 
~cb